Avoiding Power Struggles
Getting into a power struggle with your child - whatever their age - is never going to achieve what you want in a long-term, productive way. If you know that what you’re going to ask of your child is going to cause them to push back, argue or outright refuse, you need to have a strategy in place to avoid the power push and pull that is going to at best result in a melt down and at worst cause rebellion.
Consider the following as you decide how to approach something with your child:
Remember that you can’t force a child (or adult!) to do anything. Your power is not that you are the parent, it’s your ability to make rational, reasonable and necessary decisions in order for your child’s world to make sense and have meaning. Over time, your child will come to trust that you have their best interests at heart. Get on-going parenting guidance to help you build this trust with your child.
Give clear, calm, logical, concise directions so that your child always understands what you want of them.
Give your child opportunities to be in control and make choices when you can.
Choose your battles. How important is what you’re asking them to do? Is it worth the upset?
Be prepared for the push-back. It shouldn’t be a surprise and you should have decided beforehand how you’re going to handle it.
Give an explanation for your expectation: “We need to pick up the toys off your floor because I need to vacuum.”
Be prepared with ideas to make it easier for your child to comply such as incentives, compromises, choices…
Don’t go in head on if you know it’s not going to work. Indirect approaches can often work best (particularly with teenagers). Be prepared to compromise.
When it’s appropriate, problem solve together: “You want to see your friends, but I need you to babysit your brother, how can we solve this problem?” “You want to play with your toys, but I need to vacuum your bedroom floor right now, how can we figure this out?”
Don’t repeat the same approach over and over again every time expecting your child to suddenly change their response. At the very least start your approach with, “I know this is hard for you…” or “I know you don’t want to do this…” That way, your child knows that you feel their pain even though they still need to do what you’re asking of them.
Assume that your child can outlast, out argue and out maneuver you. Back down and be the adult in the room if emotions are getting too high and there’s no sign of them relenting. This doesn’t mean they are off the hook, it just means that you may want to delay the task a little. E.g. “You don’t want to clean up right now, so let’s go out as planned and we will do it when we get back.”
Don’t ask, tell: “I need you to…” “You need to…” Clarity is essential. “Do you want to clean up now?” is a question that asks to be defied.
Give warnings ahead of time. Prime your child for what you expect of them: “You will need to get ready for school in 5 minutes.” “I understand that you don’t want to go to grandma’s right now, but this is not a choice and you will need to be ready to leave in 5 minutes.”
Don’t get distracted by your child - stay on point and focus on the end goal - but be prepared to let them have the last word. It’s not a competition.
Acknowledge when your child complies. Make it specific, not general: “Thank you for cleaning up your toys so that I don’t trip up.” “You put your shoes on so quickly!” “Thank you for changing your plans so that you can babysit your brother tonight.”
Stay calm. Be kind and respectful at all times.
Have a toddler? Check out this article for more guidance.
