Managing your toddler’s behavior

Willow Parenting

Understanding your toddler and managing their behavior is essential for building a solid, strong and mutually respectful relationship with your child because how you respond to your toddler now will impact how they respond to you going forward. It is worth, therefore, putting some time into understanding how to parent a toddler effectively. First, it is useful to understand the three different styles of parenting and which one is thought to be the most effective.

There are three dIfferent styles of parenting:

Authoritarian - a parent gives strict rules with very little understanding of what is developmentally appropriate for the child.

Permissive - there are no or few rules and children are given the freedom to make decisions out of the range of their abilities. 

Authoritative - the adult provides consistent, but gentle guidance and rules and allows a child to make choices where and when appropriate. 

The most effective style of parenting is considered to be the authoritative approach. This enables you to keep your child safe - physically and emotionally - while allowing your child to have choice, autonomy and independence when appropriate.

Then, you need to consider the most effective ways to manage your toddler’s behavior:

• Your goal as a parent is to be loving, firm (not harsh), clear, consistent and compassionate. Be kind and avoid harsh, cruel, judgmental language and behavior.

• Your role is to slowly expand your child’s world so that they gradually learn that they are capable of managing it themselves so it’s important to move the limits around your child as they develop to correspond to their growing understanding of the world around them.

• Try to be consistent in your limits, listen to your child, respond calmly and model the behavior that you want to see.

• Understand that your toddler is learning how to manage their emotions. This means that extreme emotions and behaviors are to be expected. 

• Tantrums are entirely normal and should be expected. The peak time frame for tantrums tends to be between 17 and 24 months, but even 3 and 4 year-olds are capable of them. 

• The more emotional your child is, the calmer you should be.

• Clear, consistent limits are essential during the toddler years, but try not to make these limits too narrow. Give your toddler a lot of space to explore safely if you can. 

• Be realistic about what your child can tolerate and what limits are necessary. Setting unreasonable or unrealistic expectations of your 2-year-old is only going to create more battles and set you both up for failure. 

• Give opportunities for your child to be in control/make decisions. Say, “you can choose or I can choose.” Then hold the line whatever your child chooses.

• The currency your child most values is your attention - positive or negative. The type and amount of attention you give your child affects your child’s behavior and informs their understanding of how to behave in the same situation in the future. Giving them attention for negative behavior simply encourages them to repeat the behavior. Minimize your attention to negative behavior and quietly acknowledge positive behavior. This will motivate them to seek your attention through positive actions and behaviors.

• Constant or repeated behavior problems can be caused by your actions:

  • Are your expectations of your child too high? Are you asking too much of them?

  • Are you being wishy washy or unclear in your decision-making? Consistency and clarity are key.

  • Are you letting your child’s behavior change your mind? Giving in to your child teaches them that their behavior works. 

  • Are you being too permissive? Giving your child too much freedom to make choices and decisions makes your child feel unsafe and insecure. Being an effective parent requires you to set appropriate limits to keep your child safe physically and emotionally.

• Learn to tolerate your child’s sadness and frustration so that you don’t indulge them and create an expectation of getting their own way.

• Toddlers learn appropriate behavior from what you model. You are your child’s first and most important teacher and how you behave will influence how they behave.

Want to learn more about how to be an effective parent? Go to willowparenting.com for mentoring, consulting and classes for parents.