Avoiding The Entitled Child Trap
Raising a child without a sense of entitlement requires a proactive approach to parenting. When you are raising a child in a world where resources are plentiful, you are always in danger of “spoiling” or “indulging” your child so that they grow up to believe that the comfort that they have experienced up to that point is something they are entitled to at all times. To combat this, it’s important as a parent to think carefully about the world you create for your child. Yes, you want your child to have everything, but your child actually doesn’t need everything to be happy or to become a successful, fulfilled and productive adult.
When you are looking to avoid creating a sense of entitlement in your child, what you are really talking about is raising an empathic, kind, generous and thoughtful human being. Recent research has shown that children that grow up with fewer resources are more creative, resourceful and out of the box thinkers than children that grow up with plenty. Knowing this can help you be a little less inclined to indulge your child’s every whim and request.
Following are some ideas to consider to avoid the trap of raising an entitled child.
Do Some Overt Teaching about the World:
Talk about your work ethic and your own values
Discuss people and communities that don’t have the same resources as you and your child do
Highlight ways in which you help people less fortunate than you and include your child in those activities as much as you can
Overtly model being grateful. Set it up as an activity at dinner time, for example, where you each share something you are grateful for.
Use books to learn about other cultures, others’ values, and how other people live in the world. Having an understanding of the diversity of the world at large builds empathy, tolerance and curiosity
Model empathy for your child
Help your child to recognize social cues - a tone of voice, a posture, a facial expression. Help your child to be in tune with other people’s feelings by asking them how they think their friend feels, by pointing out how other people are reacting to them and by discussing and naming feelings. “It looks like your friend is upset. How can we make him feel better?” “It seems like you’re feeling angry right now. Let me know if I can help you.”
Nurture independence in your child:
Avoid trying to be your child’s best friend. Your job is to be their parent. Raising an entitled child is a result of easy and lazy parenting. We can all indulge our child and give them what they want, but we are opting out of actually preparing them for a world in which they won’t (and shouldn’t) get everything they want.
When your child expresses boredom, draw attention to the options that they have, then let them get bored.
Focus on experiences rather than material gifts.
Say no sometimes. You may well be able to afford the latest toy or gadget that your child is asking for, but it’s important for your child not to think that getting it is inevitable.
Allow your child to be upset when they break or lose something and then have them live without it for a while. Avoid trying to console them by instantly buying them another or fixing it.
Don’t replace a lost or broken item without discussing with your child how to care for it going forward. Instill a sense of responsibility and trust in them to take care of it.
Consider having your child “earn” a particular item that they want through chores, assistance or doing their part in the family.
Monitor Your Own Behavior
Model valuing and caring for items, possessions and gifts. Teach your child how to care for something.
When you break or lose something, talk about how you feel and what you did wrong. Model remorse and regret at a level that is relative to the loss.
Stand by your decisions. When your child whines, begs, tantrums, hold your ground. Those are the moments when your child is learning that they do not always get their own way.
Prioritize actions and behaviors over material items. Notice when your child is kind, empathic, generous, etc.
Be honest with your child about their shortcomings, but focus on the messaging of working hard to compensate for areas of weakness.
Be consistent with your limits.
Be thoughtful with your praise. Don’t overpraise and avoid the completely meaningless “good job.”
Avoid consistently bailing your child out. Problem solve with them (collaborate), but don’t solve it for them. “It seems like you didn’t make a good choice, how can I help you fix this?”
Expect more of your child, but always be sure your expectations are developmentally appropriate.
Cultivate independence - don’t do for your child what they can do for themselves.
Limit their spending. Even if you have the resources to give your teen carte blanche on the credit card, monitor and limit their spending so that they learn to respect money and where it comes from.
Be kind to your child. Show generosity of spirit (not of money). Acknowledge that they messed up, but listen to what happened and discuss solutions. Never raise your voice or make your child feel diminished because they messed up. Your role is to help them learn from their mistake and do better next time.
Limit rewards. When you unnecessarily reward children they get used to it and expect it. You want to cultivate their own internal desire to do well rather than build an expectation of an external reward every time they succeed.
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