Managing Sibling Relationships
The Basics
Unless they are twins, your children are at different developmental stages so their ability to resolve conflicts and have productive interactions are different.
Conflict resolution is an advanced skill set. Toddlers do not yet have the ability to reason or control their emotions and bodies so you can’t expect them to resolve a conflict appropriately.
Conflict between siblings is an opportunity for you to model how to handle it effectively and appropriately.
Siblings’ interactions are useful ways in which children learn how to navigate a world where they are not the only one whose needs matter.
A parent needs to have realistic expectations of their children. A 2-year-old and 5-year-old may have a difficult time playing together harmoniously.
Don’t expect your children to learn conflict resolution once then do it perfectly next time. You need to remind them, review it, discuss it, and practice it for it to sink in and become a habit.
Your child’s behavior is influenced by your behavior. Do you show preference for one over another? Are you affected by your child’s gender and treat them based on biases that feel unfair to your child? Do you tend to blame one more than another? Are your expectations of your older child too high because they are older.
Making a child feel like they should want to play with their sibling makes them feel guilty and like there is something wrong with them. Honor each child’s right to not want to play with their sibling and understand that if you make them play together, they are doing it for you.
Never compare your children (out loud!)
If Your Children Are Often In Conflict
Talk to them outside of the conflict. “Let’s discuss what to do when your sister does ____.” “I notice that when you both play together ____ happens.” “How can we stop this happening?”
Make a plan for what each child should do when a recurring incident happens.
When you are present, model the language for being able to negotiate interactions appropriately using phrases such as: “Can I play with that when you’ve finished?” “Can I play with you?” “You can have it when I’m done.” “I’m playing with it right now.” “I don’t want to play with you right now, but we can play later.”
Notice how long your children can play together before it falls apart. Then you can anticipate the conflict and intervene before it happens.
Set guidelines and limits before your children start playing together. Decide on the consequence together if things break down: the activity will be shut down, they will need to choose to play separately, etc. Then you can say it was their choice not to follow your guidelines.
Be specific about what you want:
Instead of “play nicely” or “be nice to your brother,” say:
“Use words not your body”
“Tell your brother don’t touch my toy or I don’t like it when you do that”
“Ask for help if your sibling isn’t listening”
“You must never hit or push”
When conflict does happen, guide them through the problem solving:
Listen to each side
Confirm that you’ve heard what each is saying
Come up with solutions together
Practice
Acknowledge when your children are playing well together and be specific. “I see you’re listening to each other.” “I see you’re respecting each other’s space.”
Wait to see if they can figure a conflict out before stepping in. Don’t intervene unless it’s necessary. Don’t take sides!
Ignore low key bickering and regular rough and tumble play if they are safe
Remind them of the agreement at the beginning. Ask if they can resolve it.
Always stay calm. Getting angry yourself is not going to help the situation and models the wrong behavior.
Cultivating A Good Sibling Relationship
Set up your life so that each child gets individual attention for at least 20 minutes every other day. They should have your undivided attention for this time.
Have reasonable expectations. It’s okay not to share and it’s okay if a child doesn’t always want to play with their sibling.
Think about why all interactions end in conflict. Are they seeking attention or are bored? Is it a personality clash? Is it jealousy?
Make sure you give each child the time and space alone that they may want and need. This means that you may have to occupy one child while the other plays independently.
Allow each child to choose a few toys that they don’t have to allow the other child to play with. These can then only be played with when the other child isn’t around.
Encourage individual friends. Don’t expect them to share their friends. Make a plan to occupy the sibling while the child has a playdate or set up the expectations before the play date.
