Collaborative Parenting: Why Does Your Teenager Lie To You?
Lying is usually based on fear. Fear of punishment, humiliation, embarrassment, hurting feelings, disappointing somebody… As you think about your teen and your relationship with them, is it possible that any of these could apply?
Do you have a habit of punishing your teen when they confess to a mistake or a wrong decision?
Do you judge your teen when they admit to a wrongdoing?
Do you mock them or make them a butt of a joke when their mistake becomes apparent?
Do you give consequences that may feel unfair or extreme to your teen?
Could your teen accuse you of not understanding who they are or how they feel?
Do you express disappointment and make your teen feel guilty when they mess up?
If you have a history of any of these responses to your child’s mistakes, then it is not surprising that your teen chooses to lie to you or avoids telling you about something that happened rather than face you with the truth.
So how can you fix this?
Next time you find that your teen made a mistake or wrong decision or even simply defied your direction, start by telling them how much you appreciate that they told you.
Acknowledge how hard it must have been for them to tell you.
Ask why they made the choice that they did.
Really listen to what your teen says. Is there anything you can infer from their response? Were they feeling peer pressured? Were they bored and looking for adventure? Did they think it wouldn’t harm? Did they not think through the consequences of their actions? Were they trying to avoid another situation? Did they think that nobody would notice (i.e. nobody would care)?
Avoid criticism, judgment, blame, humiliation, name calling - all of these responses will either incite anger or cause your teen to shut down. What you are looking for is a way in to discuss what happened.
Collaborate on a solution and/or consequence. “It seems like you were careless and now it’s broken. I’m wondering how we can fix this and ensure this doesn’t happen again?” “It seems like you made a wrong decision. I’m wondering what you will do next time the same situation occurs?” “It feels like you purposely went against my wishes. I’m wondering what you think would be an appropriate consequence for your actions?”
Discuss how your teen can avoid making the same mistake another time. Are there some appropriate and fair rules that you can put in place to build trust again in your teen? Does your teen need help with handling peer pressure or navigating friendships and social situations? Does your child need to speak to a professional about repeated reckless or careless behavior.
A teen doesn’t make wrong choices in order to upset you or because they enjoy getting into trouble. Their decisions are based on how they feel about themselves, their relationship with you and how the world around them is operating. A teen that feels connected, understood, accepted without judgment and loved unconditionally is less likely to make wrong choices and will see you as an ally to help them when they mess up rather than as somebody to fear and lie to.
Try to remember…
Much as you may want to, you can’t control your teenager. Your goal as a parent is to be there when they ask for guidance, model good choices and decisions and be seen as an ally as they navigate their evolution into adulthood. Your teen spends a lot of time outside of your supervision. You can’t make them do the right thing in your absence. What you can do is have a relationship with them that involves open dialogue where your teen will reveal and discuss what is going on in their life, giving you the opportunity to guide, mentor, and support their decision making.
Learn more about how to have a mutually respectful, loving and honest relationship with your teen: Work With Me
